Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Pilot Varsity Pens and other fetishes

    I've had a lifelong love of pens and writing. As a child I had two escapes from the turmoil in my household, reading and writing. Keeping a diary as a child and a journal as an adult helped make sense of my life. When my Mother threw away all my belongings it was the pens and journals that I missed most. It was like erasing my existence. Mommie Dearest has always had serious control issues to make a huge understatement. 


    As a child the most exciting part of the new school year for me was getting new school supplies and notebooks to write stories on. I was a model student and daughter yet when my teachers praised me, my Mother would tell them that I was the opposite at home-one of millions of lies and character assassination of the decades. My journals were a way of setting the record straight. I also intended to leave them to my children or possibly publish them if anyone was interested. 

    My favorite pen to express myself is the Pilot Varsity Pen. It's a disposable fountain pen! They come in seven colors and every time I have ever seen one I HAD to buy one. It's a compulsion much like in the movie "Conspiracy Theory" where Mel Gibson keeps buying the book "The Catcher in the Rye." I feel a rush then at ease when I make my purchase. I used to think it was a shopping compulsion but it has a deeper meaning. I was never able to verbally express my feelings or defend myself to my mother so writing them down was a release. 


    As a result I had acquired hundreds of pens, maybe a thousand. I like unusual pens and notebooks, things with character. I feel like my thoughts and feelings are important, even if my parents and siblings don't think so. I'm not interested in what they think. 


    I had a diary from one of my Grandma Grace's mother's sisters, Ruby Randall and it was from 1912 to about 1935 and I was really interested in reading it. I thought that perhaps someday when I'm dead, someone would be interested in reading about my lifetime. They took that away from me along with all my other worldly possessions. I haven't done anything to be on the receiving end of such ugliness. 


    I can rewrite history if I can just find some new Pilot Varsity Fountain Pens.

     

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      Saturday, September 25, 2010

      Mason finally gets a sibling!

      Since my son could frame a complete sentence he has been asking for a sibling, mostly for a brother until in a state of frustration he even claimed a sister would be fine. I never thought I'd have another child for various reasons the main one being that I had not been in a relationship for years and had no desire to have one. For most of my life I've been accused of being, "Too damn independent." I thought my son was perfect and having another child would be a disappointment because it would be a lesser model. I could think up a million reasons not to have anymore kids and I did. I took it for granted that I could have a baby any time I wanted to and I had plenty of time. I wanted a girl but I didn't want the drama and I wanted a boy because they are easier by all accounts. I'm a type A personality, I wanted everything to be perfect before I had another child. We all know nothing is perfect and striving for perfection is exhausting!

      Well, I couldn't and I didn't have a baby any time I wanted. Now I am what doctors call "Of Advanced Maternal Age" yet people mistake me for being 20 years younger on a daily basis. Where did the time go? I have so much to do and so much to see and learn. I read that people who have kids after age 40 live to be 100 more often than those who have kids in their 20's. Nearly everyone I know had kids by age 22 and has been married previous to that if they are still married. I've always been out of sync with my peer group. I'm a maverick.

      Flash forward, these kids are rich in personality. The new one is feisty, she lets us know EXACTLY what she doesn't like. Mason was calm and quiet, she's a firecracker. From the moment she was born she was crying and waving her arms over her head and alert. Most newborns stare and drool. This baby was holding her head up in the hospital, trying to stand up when we held her and mimicking our words. Everyone was surprised but me. This child had nurses propping her up to sleep in the nursery. Even the doctor stopped during surgery to tell me she was a beautiful baby! This infant, this tiny person is already bending adults to her will and having a profound effect on everyone who comes within her realm. It's going to be a bumpy ride. My babies are beautiful AND smart.

      Mason loves his sister and is a great big brother. I knew he would be. One day in the doctor's office he spent over an hour watching a newborn and Mother without peeling his eyes away once. He was fascinated and scared and excited all at once. He had a million questions. It was at that moment he realized it was for real. We all tried not to get too excited due to a previous miscarriage but we all wanted her to arrive happy and healthy. Now we all want her to stop crying and it's a team effort to soothe her majesty.


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          Boy tames goat!

            I love this picture of my son as a toddler petting this goat! I don't even think he was two years old yet. He could run and catch a chicken scooping it up with his bare hands as he ran by, speak in sentences with correct grammar and potty trained himself at 13 months old! His Montessori teacher bitched about it for a week then gave up and told me she had to potty train the entire class because all the other kids were following him to the bathroom! She was livid. I still think all those parents should pay me for early potty training. Can you think of a better gift for the parents of a toddler?

            At the time he was also telling me that, "The angels saved my life when I was born. They were at the hospital talking to me." Then he proceeded to tell me that I had been his mother many times and asked me if I remembered when we lived in New Orleans and had French doors in our house or when we lived at the beach. He told me he had been watching me my entire life waiting for me to be his Mom. He said he picked me to be his Mom over and over. He got extremely angry when I said I didn't remember being his Mom before and he talked about it constantly for months then poof, it was gone and he stopped mentioning it. I had it on video but my crazy sister stole it along with all my other worldly possessions and that has reserved a special place in hell for her. It wouldn't be much different than her life now as a 38 year old spinster living with her mother and 32 year old unemployed brother. I can't believe I'm really related to those people.

            Children are amazing and beautiful and I love them. Especially the ones I made.

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              Wednesday, September 22, 2010

              Newborn News

              Having this baby was much easier than having my son. I wish I had a C-Section with him from the same doctor that delivered his sister. Our lives would have been different and he would have had siblings (plural) sooner. Delivering my son caused me such trauma that I was celibant for five years! Fear of delivery was present the entire pregnancy as was fear of miscarriage. 

              Gestational Diabetes was horrible! I felt angry and sleepy all the time. Now I know what both sides of Diabetes feel like. When Diabetics act insane it's because they feel insane due to high blood sugar. I hope I never have to deal with it again. I understand my Father's moods better now and realize his fits were high blood sugar, however that doesn't change the pain he inflicted on us. I have others in my life who also have those types of  fits and say horrible things to loved ones that make us wonder if we are loved. 

              Adjusting to a newborn takes time. This baby is much more active and irritable than the first. She was holding up her head in the hospital. She looked alert from the first moments of her life. She's definitely going to be a little chatter box and a total busy body. She's beautiful and I love her. She's healthy and perfect. She's all that I hoped for and more. 

              I'm not just proud of her and saying she's beautiful. The doctor stopped in the middle of surgery to tell me, Mom, I don't usually say this but this is a really beautiful baby! All the nurses raved about her beauty and gave her special treatment in the nursery. They propped her up to sleep and the nurse told me she saved the best blankets for her. 


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                Friday, August 06, 2010

                Delivery Day is here!

                I'm preparing to go to the hospital to have my baby! I haven't been nervous at all up until this second. I've been calm, I've rested, I made a belly cast w/my husband and sister, dined on escargot, crawfish etouffe and fried crawfish (then vomited), took a leisurely bath then played cafe world and conversed with friends on facebook. 

                Now when I'm about to leave I'm getting nervous. I'm starving and want some iced tea. Time to get dressed and do this mommy thang part deux.

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                    Sunday, July 11, 2010

                    36 weeks pregnant

                      Now that this pregnancy is near the end, I hate for it to end. Pregnancy is the only time I can truly protect my child from the outside world. It's strange that I never dream about this baby at all. I only had one dream about this baby being a boy w/legs so long that they wrapped around me when he was breastfeeding. They keep telling me the baby is a girl so it makes my dream even more strange.


                      I hate having to do everything. It was frustrating when I was single but now that I'm married to someone who refuses to act like an adult, it's depressing and we're on the verge of homelessness. I have NONE of the benefits of being married. I don't have an equal partner, I have another child. I will wind up having to work to support this child and never get to see it either. I think this dead beat is about to leave me as soon as I have this child if not before. The main reason I stayed single most of my life is to avoid winding up in a situation like this. He had 4 jobs when I met him and worked 7 days a week. Now he refuses to work. He got fired deliberately from two jobs. He has used and abused me and this is the most dependable person in my life. I deserve so much more than this. This is exactly the example I didn't want my son to see. My father set out to avoid working his entire life and has never been anything but a source of shame.


                      I have nothing for a baby. Not even clothes, diapers or a car seat. This is humiliating for me. He is totally unconcerned. I have no friends or family who are interested or concerned about me in any form or fashion. Nobody has offered to throw me a baby shower or give me any baby gear. Everyone begged me to move back to this hellhole with promises of help and have not delivered on any promise. My life is like a waking nightmare. People constantly kick me when I'm down. Nobody loves me or even cares about me. I'm lonely.




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                        Sunday, June 13, 2010

                        Flickr

                        This is a test post from flickr, a fancy photo sharing thing.

                        Flickr

                        This is a test post from flickr, a fancy photo sharing thing.

                        Wednesday, March 10, 2010

                        Chaos at a breakneck pace

                        Just two days after I had an ultrasound and was told my due date is 8/8/2010 instead of 8/17/2010, my son had another seizure/fainting episode. Called his pediatrician, went to her office, was sent to hospital. No other children in waiting room and my son was forced to sit in wheelchair vomiting and soiling himself for over 4 hours. The refusal of staff to offer him any medical treatment despite excellent insurance and his personal doctor calling ahead to preadmit him caused an Aurora Greenway moment on my part and my husband to scare the living shit out of the RN at desk and security guard who was moments from retirement. Husband was handcuffed and told to calm down-something I've never seen them do to a white man. Pointing that out raised my popularity points with staff. Fuck 'em. I couldn't believe these bastards are not on the news every night for failure to provide medical care to children. If my child was able to stay conscious, I would have taken him elsewhere. He had literally been vomiting a soiling himself for so long that we were worried he might die. We arrived at 4 pm and he was not taken into a "room" in emergency until nearly 9 pm. At that time he vomited all over two nurses who were incredible cunts. Good Boy! Then they took him seriously. The story gets worse and worse and I don't want to work myself up to a Charles Whitman frenzy. Word of advice: NEVER take your child to Texas Children's Hospital. They kept my kid for an entire week. Staff is rude and unprofessional and negligent. It's now a teaching hospital so you have to talk to at least 3 different snot nosed Residents who couldn't wipe their own asses without a virutal program and video explaining it.

                        I watched them FORCE a woman w/a foster child (3weeks old) into giving him a  spinal tap (lumbar puncture) and hospitalizing him for 3 days when she repeatedly told them the child didn't have fever! They KNEW I was pregnant and let me sit next to a possibly contagious child! The first kid who shared a room with us was transferred from another hospital with a burst appendix! The had film of this kid showing he had abscesses! They debated for hours if they would perform surgery or just insert tubes to drain the poison from his body! They refused to give him pain meds or antibiotics!

                        I'll have to finish later,reliving this horrifying experience just brings on PTSD.

                        My "family" really gave us the finger on this as well. Nobody called or visited my son. They refused to answer their phones. There's really a special place in hell for these people. We're stranded at the hospital for an entire week devoid of cash since it was an unexpected visit. Racking up outrageous parking fees daily when my step mother works for TMC parking and gave me parking passes when my brother was hospitalized for months.

                        Keep in mind that I have taken care of all these assholes for years.  I went out of town and they broke in my home like a pack of jackals and stole EVERYTHING I WORKED AND PAID FOR!!






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                            Thursday, February 25, 2010

                            All knocked up and no doctor to go to!

                            Yesterday I had the great pleasure of taking my son to the hospital for an Echocardiogram. He had a seizure on 2/13 and this is their idea of getting to the heart of the matter. I have a low tolerance for stupidity. Therefore I'm always pissed off. After dropping my kid off at the door of the hospital and driving several miles down Fannin before I could legally take a left, I found a parking garage that wasn't full and parked then walked a mile to the hospital. I hate this town. His test took about 30 minutes. His heart beats faster than normal but not to the point of disease according to the technician. Whatever.

                            Next my husband practically forced me to go to the ER just to be sure my pregnancy pains and Migraine didn't mean we are having a cyclops. They performed an ultrasound but refused to give me any pictures and the tech only gave me one quick peek at my future offspring. I didn't care at that point because I'd already been given Morphine and Fenergan for my Migraine. However, her refusal to let my husband and son watch infuriated me. She informed me that I'm 16 weeks pregnant NOT 14 weeks. That changes my due date from 8/17/2010 to 8/8/2010 just one day shy of my loser brother Randy's birthday. No way am I having this kid on 8/9! I'll cross my legs and duct tape myself if necessary. It makes my stomach churn just thinking about it.

                            I CANNOT find any doctor who will take me as a patient. Be wary of telling any OB/GYN that you are high risk because you will hear a plethora of creative excuses as to why they can't accept you as a patient. I guess I'll be having this baby in a bathtub or alley somewhere. I never thought I would have this problem.





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                                Saturday, January 09, 2010

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                                    Midlife Pregnancy Digest

                                    So far so good this week. No vomiting episodes, no uncontrollable food cravings for dirt or metal, nothing strange which is strange for me. Just exhaustion and sleeping like a mama bear in hibernation. The 15-20 weather in TX is a rarity but the weather here sucks 24/7 365. Question my decision to move back every second of every day.

                                    My stomach is huge, my balding sister told me that, "Your stomach wasn't that big when you were 9 months pregnant last time. Maybe it's because you're fatter now!" I keep having a feeling of certainty about having twins which disturbs me and doesn't phase me at all. I'm trying to maintain a sense of zen/calm/catatonia to keep me from losing it and spending my days chewing on checkers in a mental ward while wearing my flannel Sesame Street pajamas.

                                    I've never had a pregnancy this normal which is good. I'm just trying to remain detached in case I lose this child like I did the last one. It's a self-defense mechanism. I can't really picture having the child yet so I can't picture losing it yet. I'm in limbo.


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