Sunday, July 11, 2010

36 weeks pregnant

    Now that this pregnancy is near the end, I hate for it to end. Pregnancy is the only time I can truly protect my child from the outside world. It's strange that I never dream about this baby at all. I only had one dream about this baby being a boy w/legs so long that they wrapped around me when he was breastfeeding. They keep telling me the baby is a girl so it makes my dream even more strange.


    I hate having to do everything. It was frustrating when I was single but now that I'm married to someone who refuses to act like an adult, it's depressing and we're on the verge of homelessness. I have NONE of the benefits of being married. I don't have an equal partner, I have another child. I will wind up having to work to support this child and never get to see it either. I think this dead beat is about to leave me as soon as I have this child if not before. The main reason I stayed single most of my life is to avoid winding up in a situation like this. He had 4 jobs when I met him and worked 7 days a week. Now he refuses to work. He got fired deliberately from two jobs. He has used and abused me and this is the most dependable person in my life. I deserve so much more than this. This is exactly the example I didn't want my son to see. My father set out to avoid working his entire life and has never been anything but a source of shame.


    I have nothing for a baby. Not even clothes, diapers or a car seat. This is humiliating for me. He is totally unconcerned. I have no friends or family who are interested or concerned about me in any form or fashion. Nobody has offered to throw me a baby shower or give me any baby gear. Everyone begged me to move back to this hellhole with promises of help and have not delivered on any promise. My life is like a waking nightmare. People constantly kick me when I'm down. Nobody loves me or even cares about me. I'm lonely.




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