36 weeks pregnant

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Now that this pregnancy is near the end, I hate for it to end. Pregnancy is the only time I can truly protect my child from the outside world. It's strange that I never dream about this baby at all. I only had one dream about this baby being a boy w/legs so long that they wrapped around me when he was breastfeeding. They keep telling me the baby is a girl so it makes my dream even more strange.


I hate having to do everything. It was frustrating when I was single but now that I'm married to someone who refuses to act like an adult, it's depressing and we're on the verge of homelessness. I have NONE of the benefits of being married. I don't have an equal partner, I have another child. I will wind up having to work to support this child and never get to see it either. I think this dead beat is about to leave me as soon as I have this child if not before. The main reason I stayed single most of my life is to avoid winding up in a situation like this. He had 4 jobs when I met him and worked 7 days a week. Now he refuses to work. He got fired deliberately from two jobs. He has used and abused me and this is the most dependable person in my life. I deserve so much more than this. This is exactly the example I didn't want my son to see. My father set out to avoid working his entire life and has never been anything but a source of shame.


I have nothing for a baby. Not even clothes, diapers or a car seat. This is humiliating for me. He is totally unconcerned. I have no friends or family who are interested or concerned about me in any form or fashion. Nobody has offered to throw me a baby shower or give me any baby gear. Everyone begged me to move back to this hellhole with promises of help and have not delivered on any promise. My life is like a waking nightmare. People constantly kick me when I'm down. Nobody loves me or even cares about me. I'm lonely.

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Chaos at a breakneck pace

Just two days after I had an ultrasound and was told my due date is 8/8/2010 instead of 8/17/2010, my son had another seizure/fainting episode. Called his pediatrician, went to her office, was sent to hospital. No other children in waiting room and my son was forced to sit in wheelchair vomiting and soiling himself for over 4 hours. The refusal of staff to offer him any medical treatment despite excellent insurance and his personal doctor calling ahead to preadmit him caused an Aurora Greenway moment on my part and my husband to scare the living shit out of the RN at desk and security guard who was moments from retirement. Husband was handcuffed and told to calm down-something I've never seen them do to a white man. Pointing that out raised my popularity points with staff. Fuck 'em. I couldn't believe these bastards are not on the news every night for failure to provide medical care to children. If my child was able to stay conscious, I would have taken him elsewhere. He had literally been vomiting a soiling himself for so long that we were worried he might die. We arrived at 4 pm and he was not taken into a "room" in emergency until nearly 9 pm. At that time he vomited all over two nurses who were incredible cunts. Good Boy! Then they took him seriously. The story gets worse and worse and I don't want to work myself up to a Charles Whitman frenzy. Word of advice: NEVER take your child to Texas Children's Hospital. They kept my kid for an entire week. Staff is rude and unprofessional and negligent. It's now a teaching hospital so you have to talk to at least 3 different snot nosed Residents who couldn't wipe their own asses without a virutal program and video explaining it.

I watched them FORCE a woman w/a foster child (3weeks old) into giving him a  spinal tap (lumbar puncture) and hospitalizing him for 3 days when she repeatedly told them the child didn't have fever! They KNEW I was pregnant and let me sit next to a possibly contagious child! The first kid who shared a room with us was transferred from another hospital with a burst appendix! The had film of this kid showing he had abscesses! They debated for hours if they would perform surgery or just insert tubes to drain the poison from his body! They refused to give him pain meds or antibiotics!

I'll have to finish later,reliving this horrifying experience just brings on PTSD.

My "family" really gave us the finger on this as well. Nobody called or visited my son. They refused to answer their phones. There's really a special place in hell for these people. We're stranded at the hospital for an entire week devoid of cash since it was an unexpected visit. Racking up outrageous parking fees daily when my step mother works for TMC parking and gave me parking passes when my brother was hospitalized for months.

Keep in mind that I have taken care of all these assholes for years.  I went out of town and they broke in my home like a pack of jackals and stole EVERYTHING I WORKED AND PAID FOR!!

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All knocked up and no doctor to go to!

Yesterday I had the great pleasure of taking my son to the hospital for an Echocardiogram. He had a seizure on 2/13 and this is their idea of getting to the heart of the matter. I have a low tolerance for stupidity. Therefore I'm always pissed off. After dropping my kid off at the door of the hospital and driving several miles down Fannin before I could legally take a left, I found a parking garage that wasn't full and parked then walked a mile to the hospital. I hate this town. His test took about 30 minutes. His heart beats faster than normal but not to the point of disease according to the technician. Whatever.

Next my husband practically forced me to go to the ER just to be sure my pregnancy pains and Migraine didn't mean we are having a cyclops. They performed an ultrasound but refused to give me any pictures and the tech only gave me one quick peek at my future offspring. I didn't care at that point because I'd already been given Morphine and Fenergan for my Migraine. However, her refusal to let my husband and son watch infuriated me. She informed me that I'm 16 weeks pregnant NOT 14 weeks. That changes my due date from 8/17/2010 to 8/8/2010 just one day shy of my loser brother Randy's birthday. No way am I having this kid on 8/9! I'll cross my legs and duct tape myself if necessary. It makes my stomach churn just thinking about it.

I CANNOT find any doctor who will take me as a patient. Be wary of telling any OB/GYN that you are high risk because you will hear a plethora of creative excuses as to why they can't accept you as a patient. I guess I'll be having this baby in a bathtub or alley somewhere. I never thought I would have this problem.

Make a pregnancy ticker

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Midlife Pregnancy Digest

So far so good this week. No vomiting episodes, no uncontrollable food cravings for dirt or metal, nothing strange which is strange for me. Just exhaustion and sleeping like a mama bear in hibernation. The 15-20 weather in TX is a rarity but the weather here sucks 24/7 365. Question my decision to move back every second of every day.

My stomach is huge, my balding sister told me that, "Your stomach wasn't that big when you were 9 months pregnant last time. Maybe it's because you're fatter now!" I keep having a feeling of certainty about having twins which disturbs me and doesn't phase me at all. I'm trying to maintain a sense of zen/calm/catatonia to keep me from losing it and spending my days chewing on checkers in a mental ward while wearing my flannel Sesame Street pajamas.

I've never had a pregnancy this normal which is good. I'm just trying to remain detached in case I lose this child like I did the last one. It's a self-defense mechanism. I can't really picture having the child yet so I can't picture losing it yet. I'm in limbo.

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