Pilot Varsity Pens and other fetishes

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I've had a lifelong love of pens and writing. As a child I had two escapes from the turmoil in my household, reading and writing. Keeping a diary as a child and a journal as an adult helped make sense of my life. When my Mother threw away all my belongings it was the pens and journals that I missed most. It was like erasing my existence. Mommie Dearest has always had serious control issues to make a huge understatement. 


As a child the most exciting part of the new school year for me was getting new school supplies and notebooks to write stories on. I was a model student and daughter yet when my teachers praised me, my Mother would tell them that I was the opposite at home-one of millions of lies and character assassination of the decades. My journals were a way of setting the record straight. I also intended to leave them to my children or possibly publish them if anyone was interested. 

My favorite pen to express myself is the Pilot Varsity Pen. It's a disposable fountain pen! They come in seven colors and every time I have ever seen one I HAD to buy one. It's a compulsion much like in the movie "Conspiracy Theory" where Mel Gibson keeps buying the book "The Catcher in the Rye." I feel a rush then at ease when I make my purchase. I used to think it was a shopping compulsion but it has a deeper meaning. I was never able to verbally express my feelings or defend myself to my mother so writing them down was a release. 


As a result I had acquired hundreds of pens, maybe a thousand. I like unusual pens and notebooks, things with character. I feel like my thoughts and feelings are important, even if my parents and siblings don't think so. I'm not interested in what they think. 


I had a diary from one of my Grandma Grace's mother's sisters, Ruby Randall and it was from 1912 to about 1935 and I was really interested in reading it. I thought that perhaps someday when I'm dead, someone would be interested in reading about my lifetime. They took that away from me along with all my other worldly possessions. I haven't done anything to be on the receiving end of such ugliness. 


I can rewrite history if I can just find some new Pilot Varsity Fountain Pens.

 

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Mason finally gets a sibling!

Since my son could frame a complete sentence he has been asking for a sibling, mostly for a brother until in a state of frustration he even claimed a sister would be fine. I never thought I'd have another child for various reasons the main one being that I had not been in a relationship for years and had no desire to have one. For most of my life I've been accused of being, "Too damn independent." I thought my son was perfect and having another child would be a disappointment because it would be a lesser model. I could think up a million reasons not to have anymore kids and I did. I took it for granted that I could have a baby any time I wanted to and I had plenty of time. I wanted a girl but I didn't want the drama and I wanted a boy because they are easier by all accounts. I'm a type A personality, I wanted everything to be perfect before I had another child. We all know nothing is perfect and striving for perfection is exhausting!

Well, I couldn't and I didn't have a baby any time I wanted. Now I am what doctors call "Of Advanced Maternal Age" yet people mistake me for being 20 years younger on a daily basis. Where did the time go? I have so much to do and so much to see and learn. I read that people who have kids after age 40 live to be 100 more often than those who have kids in their 20's. Nearly everyone I know had kids by age 22 and has been married previous to that if they are still married. I've always been out of sync with my peer group. I'm a maverick.

Flash forward, these kids are rich in personality. The new one is feisty, she lets us know EXACTLY what she doesn't like. Mason was calm and quiet, she's a firecracker. From the moment she was born she was crying and waving her arms over her head and alert. Most newborns stare and drool. This baby was holding her head up in the hospital, trying to stand up when we held her and mimicking our words. Everyone was surprised but me. This child had nurses propping her up to sleep in the nursery. Even the doctor stopped during surgery to tell me she was a beautiful baby! This infant, this tiny person is already bending adults to her will and having a profound effect on everyone who comes within her realm. It's going to be a bumpy ride. My babies are beautiful AND smart.

Mason loves his sister and is a great big brother. I knew he would be. One day in the doctor's office he spent over an hour watching a newborn and Mother without peeling his eyes away once. He was fascinated and scared and excited all at once. He had a million questions. It was at that moment he realized it was for real. We all tried not to get too excited due to a previous miscarriage but we all wanted her to arrive happy and healthy. Now we all want her to stop crying and it's a team effort to soothe her majesty.

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Boy tames goat!

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I love this picture of my son as a toddler petting this goat! I don't even think he was two years old yet. He could run and catch a chicken scooping it up with his bare hands as he ran by, speak in sentences with correct grammar and potty trained himself at 13 months old! His Montessori teacher bitched about it for a week then gave up and told me she had to potty train the entire class because all the other kids were following him to the bathroom! She was livid. I still think all those parents should pay me for early potty training. Can you think of a better gift for the parents of a toddler?

At the time he was also telling me that, "The angels saved my life when I was born. They were at the hospital talking to me." Then he proceeded to tell me that I had been his mother many times and asked me if I remembered when we lived in New Orleans and had French doors in our house or when we lived at the beach. He told me he had been watching me my entire life waiting for me to be his Mom. He said he picked me to be his Mom over and over. He got extremely angry when I said I didn't remember being his Mom before and he talked about it constantly for months then poof, it was gone and he stopped mentioning it. I had it on video but my crazy sister stole it along with all my other worldly possessions and that has reserved a special place in hell for her. It wouldn't be much different than her life now as a 38 year old spinster living with her mother and 32 year old unemployed brother. I can't believe I'm really related to those people.

Children are amazing and beautiful and I love them. Especially the ones I made.

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Newborn News

Having this baby was much easier than having my son. I wish I had a C-Section with him from the same doctor that delivered his sister. Our lives would have been different and he would have had siblings (plural) sooner. Delivering my son caused me such trauma that I was celibant for five years! Fear of delivery was present the entire pregnancy as was fear of miscarriage. 

Gestational Diabetes was horrible! I felt angry and sleepy all the time. Now I know what both sides of Diabetes feel like. When Diabetics act insane it's because they feel insane due to high blood sugar. I hope I never have to deal with it again. I understand my Father's moods better now and realize his fits were high blood sugar, however that doesn't change the pain he inflicted on us. I have others in my life who also have those types of  fits and say horrible things to loved ones that make us wonder if we are loved. 

Adjusting to a newborn takes time. This baby is much more active and irritable than the first. She was holding up her head in the hospital. She looked alert from the first moments of her life. She's definitely going to be a little chatter box and a total busy body. She's beautiful and I love her. She's healthy and perfect. She's all that I hoped for and more. 

I'm not just proud of her and saying she's beautiful. The doctor stopped in the middle of surgery to tell me, Mom, I don't usually say this but this is a really beautiful baby! All the nurses raved about her beauty and gave her special treatment in the nursery. They propped her up to sleep and the nurse told me she saved the best blankets for her. 

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Delivery Day is here!

I'm preparing to go to the hospital to have my baby! I haven't been nervous at all up until this second. I've been calm, I've rested, I made a belly cast w/my husband and sister, dined on escargot, crawfish etouffe and fried crawfish (then vomited), took a leisurely bath then played cafe world and conversed with friends on facebook. 

Now when I'm about to leave I'm getting nervous. I'm starving and want some iced tea. Time to get dressed and do this mommy thang part deux.

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36 weeks pregnant

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Now that this pregnancy is near the end, I hate for it to end. Pregnancy is the only time I can truly protect my child from the outside world. It's strange that I never dream about this baby at all. I only had one dream about this baby being a boy w/legs so long that they wrapped around me when he was breastfeeding. They keep telling me the baby is a girl so it makes my dream even more strange.


I hate having to do everything. It was frustrating when I was single but now that I'm married to someone who refuses to act like an adult, it's depressing and we're on the verge of homelessness. I have NONE of the benefits of being married. I don't have an equal partner, I have another child. I will wind up having to work to support this child and never get to see it either. I think this dead beat is about to leave me as soon as I have this child if not before. The main reason I stayed single most of my life is to avoid winding up in a situation like this. He had 4 jobs when I met him and worked 7 days a week. Now he refuses to work. He got fired deliberately from two jobs. He has used and abused me and this is the most dependable person in my life. I deserve so much more than this. This is exactly the example I didn't want my son to see. My father set out to avoid working his entire life and has never been anything but a source of shame.


I have nothing for a baby. Not even clothes, diapers or a car seat. This is humiliating for me. He is totally unconcerned. I have no friends or family who are interested or concerned about me in any form or fashion. Nobody has offered to throw me a baby shower or give me any baby gear. Everyone begged me to move back to this hellhole with promises of help and have not delivered on any promise. My life is like a waking nightmare. People constantly kick me when I'm down. Nobody loves me or even cares about me. I'm lonely.

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