Thursday, October 04, 2012


    Why is it that most people only take stock of their lives after a tragedy? Is it because daily life gets in the way? Are people so scared of losing their jobs and homes that they stop thinking? Why do people live in impossible situations for years without thinking of changing things, improving things or just leaving? 

    I'll tell you why. Because there are seen and unforeseen consequences when making major changes in your life which effects your entire family. Spouses are resistant to change just as they are resistant to making a marriage work until it's over. Sometimes you have to give up on people, not because you care but because they don't. After you have done all you can for someone and they only punish you for trying, at some point you have to stop and walk away. Sometimes walking away can literally cost you your life. Not walking away can also cost you your life. Literally and figuratively. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving a relationship. Check out all the domestic violence statistics. 

    People think you can just end the relationship and the violence will stop. It won't. By the time you get to the point that your life is in danger, you are so broken down in every way that you can't leave and it's virtually impossible to get help. People say there are resources out there for you. Sure there are places to call which are always out of money and have no room to house you and your kids. Relatives and friends offer to help and encourage you to leave then when it's actually time for action they leave you in a lurch. It's demoralizing. You are already so isolated and alienated from the rest of the world that you are ready to just implode. 

    It's important to believe in yourself but it's hard when you have been verbally abused for so long. It takes time to heal and rebuild your life and nearly impossible to do when someone has intentionally destroyed all your resources as a means of control. It's especially hard when they deny you basic necessities and destroy your credit and sabotage you at every turn. 

    Stay strong, stay nimble. Make a plan and stick to it. Don't fall for the line that things will get better. They won't-not for long, then they get worse and escalate. Call the domestic violence hotline, that's a good start. 

    Hang in there. You CAN live through this. 

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      Saturday, July 14, 2012

      Mid Life or mid strife?

        Lately I have a lot on my mind. My environment is chaotic at best and everything is in flux. I'm under so much stress that I had to be treated for hives. Dealing with a family member with a mental illness is difficult under the best of circumstances. Dealing with one who refuses to believe their diagnosis is nearly impossible. You can't rationalize with an insane person and you can't force them to get help. 

        At some point you have to let go. How much do you endure? 

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          Sunday, December 04, 2011

          Co-Dependence and passive aggressive behavior AKA marriage

            I held out a LONG time before getting married and never actually planned to do it. For a woman, 40 is a long time to wait and most people think you're a lesbian, a crazy cat lady or clinically insane if you aren't married before 25. To those who think that, I bid you a fond fuck you! 

            I've always been independent not only because it's in my nature but because depending on others always leaves me disappointed and livid which leads me to telling someone exactly what I think of them and NOBODY can handle the truth. Brutal honesty is not a policy, it's a personality trait. I'm the most loyal and dependable friend you will ever have if you earn my friendship. I expect the same in kind. Bring your "A" game or go home. Thus, another reason for my self-imposed singularity. As all women know, men are all equally worthless. Sure, some of them are tolerable but we don't NEED them. They are going the way of the 8 track and they don't even realize it.  

            Growing up I never saw ONE happy, successful marriage. Now that I'm an adult, I still haven't seen one and I'm definitely not in one. I'm not at fault in my own. For once, I can honestly say I have done everything humanly possible to get along with an insane person. When someone abuses you physically, mentally and emotionally there's no hope of success. 

            Yes, there's a difference between mental and emotional abuse. There's the mind fuck, a classic and sometimes effective tactic. Then there's toying with one's emotions (if only you did _______, I would love you more, etc.). 

            Luckily, my parents were the two most ill matched co-dependent crazy people in existence so much of this doesn't phase me and I'm able to function. 

            However, when your "partner" is constantly sabotaging your livelihood and finances, it's impossible to even keep your children in a safe environment then it's time to come up with an escape strategy. 

            Abusers work by isolation. Don't ever forget that you have options. You don't have to live your life in fear or shame. It's NOT YOU, it's HIM! He is a coward and controls through fear and intimidation. Secrecy is his power. Let someone know what is going on in case something happens to you. Keep a hidden journal in a safety deposit box or a secret blog.

            I mostly write these musings for myself to remember events or document events because my sister stole all my journals which I started as a child to pass onto my children. I thought this may be a way to save some new things for them. 

            If this helps anyone out there in cyber land, even better.  Hang in there ladies, don't lose hope and don't lose yourself! You are loved! You have to love yourself first! You know that. Don't let some loser beat you down!

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              Sunday, September 18, 2011

              Cautiously optimistic

                All that optimism was wasted. The baby died. I had to have life saving surgery. It was horrible. Each time times happens a part of me dies.
              On 9/13/11 at approximately 5:33 p.m., I stared into the results window of a positive pregnancy test in disbelief. Both lines were dark purple after 1 drop! I had a passing thought that I may be pregnant after being unreasonably angry for a few weeks but perished the thought since I wasn't trying to get pregnant and I've had  a difficult time getting pregnant then staying pregnant.  I've had 2 high risk pregnancies and 2 miscarriages in the last couple of years, I'm over 40 and had gestational diabetes last time. My first thought was can my body handle this again so soon, I have a 13 month old daughter. Then I worried about the health of this baby, finances and everything imaginable. I had just been discussing going back to work. Our family is looking for a new home and I'm busy with a toddler and a teenager. I don't mean to seem ungrateful, after all I've been through, I really feel like babies are a gift and I love my children with all my heart.

              I'm not making any plans just yet because I don't know how this will turn out. Going to the Dr. tomorrow for some blood work to see if this pregnancy is progressing properly. Hopefully, my first official doctor appointment will be on October 3. My due date is on my birthday which is interesting since I already share my birthday with my sister and we no longer have a relationship due to her evil ways. I have no preference on the sex of this baby, I just hope it's healthy.

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