Is Your Husband Cheating? 4 Ways to Tell if He’s Lying

Is Your Husband Cheating? 4 Ways to Tell if He’s Lying

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What is a Healthy Relationship? 5 Signs of Real Love

What is a Healthy Relationship? 5 Signs of Real Love

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Hippie liberal Momma: I Don't Want To Live On This Planet Anymore

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Hippie liberal Momma: I Don't Want To Live On This Planet Anymore

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Co-Dependence and passive aggressive behavior AKA marriage

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I held out a LONG time before getting married and never actually planned to do it. For a woman, 40 is a long time to wait and most people think you're a lesbian, a crazy cat lady or clinically insane if you aren't married before 25. To those who think that, I bid you a fond fuck you! 

I've always been independent not only because it's in my nature but because depending on others always leaves me disappointed and livid which leads me to telling someone exactly what I think of them and NOBODY can handle the truth. Brutal honesty is not a policy, it's a personality trait. I'm the most loyal and dependable friend you will ever have if you earn my friendship. I expect the same in kind. Bring your "A" game or go home. Thus, another reason for my self-imposed singularity. As all women know, men are all equally worthless. Sure, some of them are tolerable but we don't NEED them. They are going the way of the 8 track and they don't even realize it.  

Growing up I never saw ONE happy, successful marriage. Now that I'm an adult, I still haven't seen one and I'm definitely not in one. I'm not at fault in my own. For once, I can honestly say I have done everything humanly possible to get along with an insane person. When someone abuses you physically, mentally and emotionally there's no hope of success. 

Yes, there's a difference between mental and emotional abuse. There's the mind fuck, a classic and sometimes effective tactic. Then there's toying with one's emotions (if only you did _______, I would love you more, etc.). 

Luckily, my parents were the two most ill matched co-dependent crazy people in existence so much of this doesn't phase me and I'm able to function. 

However, when your "partner" is constantly sabotaging your livelihood and finances, it's impossible to even keep your children in a safe environment then it's time to come up with an escape strategy. 

Abusers work by isolation. Don't ever forget that you have options. You don't have to live your life in fear or shame. It's NOT YOU, it's HIM! He is a coward and controls through fear and intimidation. Secrecy is his power. Let someone know what is going on in case something happens to you. Keep a hidden journal in a safety deposit box or a secret blog.

I mostly write these musings for myself to remember events or document events because my sister stole all my journals which I started as a child to pass onto my children. I thought this may be a way to save some new things for them. 

If this helps anyone out there in cyber land, even better.  Hang in there ladies, don't lose hope and don't lose yourself! You are loved! You have to love yourself first! You know that. Don't let some loser beat you down!













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Cautiously optimistic

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All that optimism was wasted. The baby died. I had to have life saving surgery. It was horrible. Each time times happens a part of me dies.

On 9/13/11 at approximately 5:33 p.m., I stared into the results window of a positive pregnancy test in disbelief. Both lines were dark purple after 1 drop! I had a passing thought that I may be pregnant after being unreasonably angry for a few weeks but perished the thought since I wasn't trying to get pregnant and I've had  a difficult time getting pregnant then staying pregnant.  I've had 2 high risk pregnancies and 2 miscarriages in the last couple of years, I'm over 40 and had gestational diabetes last time. My first thought was can my body handle this again so soon, I have a 13 month old daughter. Then I worried about the health of this baby, finances and everything imaginable. I had just been discussing going back to work. Our family is looking for a new home and I'm busy with a toddler and a teenager. I don't mean to seem ungrateful, after all I've been through, I really feel like babies are a gift and I love my children with all my heart.

I'm not making any plans just yet because I don't know how this will turn out. Going to the Dr. tomorrow for some blood work to see if this pregnancy is progressing properly. Hopefully, my first official doctor appointment will be on October 3. My due date is on my birthday which is interesting since I already share my birthday with my sister and we no longer have a relationship due to her evil ways. I have no preference on the sex of this baby, I just hope it's healthy.









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Technology Overload

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I'm starting to panic over things I love disappearing. I have a one year old who will never know what it was like to do so many things I've known and cherished. Schools are no longer teaching cursive handwriting! That just pisses me off to no end because it's beyond stupidity. People are becoming totally dependent on technology and don't posses basic knowledge of important things like how to write a letter, how to look up research information in a library rather than just looking on the Internet. Sometimes I feel we're losing a bit of our humanity and that's not good. It's important to have a balance of high tech and low tech in every way. This may seem hypocritical since I'm blogging it but I'm only doing this to preserve some thoughts. My journals were stolen. I had kept them for decades for my kids if they wanted them and for me to look back on my life.

 

One of the things I really enjoy is doing genealogy and the old census rolls because the script writing is beautiful. My teenager has beautiful writing but he hates to write and prefers a keyboard to a pencil any day. Getting him to write anything down on paper is a battle of wills. Homework is a battlefield and this has been going on since kindergarten. Don't get me started on spelling. I am livid about the amount of illiterate people on FB & other sites who don't know how to express themselves in writing. It's appalling.

 

I love to write and I think writing with pen and paper helps me organize my thoughts better than typing on a computer. I remember before computers when typing on a typewriter at work was a chore, especially if your job didn't provide one w/correction on it. I miss typewriters and still have one. I want more. It disturbs me more than a little that my child is not interested in writing anymore. I had hoped he would keep a journal so he could enjoy it when he was older and save it for his kids. ADHD is a factor but I also have it and had to adapt and had no choice when I was a kid. Hell, they didn't even have a name for it then. People just loaded me up with sugar and accused me of being hyper or a smart ass.

Are we all raising a bunch of high tech brats who don't know how to relate to people? I hope not but that's how I'm feeling lately. Rather than playing guitar as I have suggested for years, my kid mastered Guitar Hero in about two days. Now he wants to play guitar for more of a challenge. The kid has been using a computer since he was about two years old. I encouraged it then teachers bitched when he "monopolized the class computer". Don't get me started on the school system and it's dumbed down mediocrity. Let's just say I'm not upset over any teachers losing their jobs. When I taught school I never worked with more lazy, apathetic people than school teachers and they ALL hated kids but me! You won't find a more toxic snake pit than a teacher's lounge in any American school. You don't have to have a degree to teach now and look at how many teachers are sleeping with their students. I'm profoundly disgusted. Check out how teacher's unions protect bad teachers.

 

Look at books. I love books, I love to read and there's nothing like sitting down and reading a book on a rainy day. The same thing goes for reading a book at the beach or by the pool. E-books are taking over and that makes me melancholy. I have some electronic books but I don't read them. I got them in case I was stuck somewhere without a book.

My child has NEVER SEEN OR OPERATED A ROTARY DIAL TELEPHONE!!! HE HAS NEVER SEEN OR OWNED A BLACK AND WHITE TV OR A TV WITHOUT A REMOTE CONTROL! When I was a kid I WAS the remote control! He has never known the frustration and simplicity of no cable and only 5 channels on TV. Cartoons only came on TV Saturday mornings and Sunday morning there was church, wrestling or Tarzan movies. Limited technology really changes your perception of the world for good and bad depending on the person. 

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R.I.P. Amy Winehouse

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After midnight I learned about the untimely death of songbird Amy Winehouse. I was a huge fan of hers and hoped that she would kick her drug addiction and provide the soundtrack to my life for decades to come. I was thinking how sad it is that one day after she was found dead that E! preempted the Kardashians to show the E! True Hollywood Story of Amy Winehouse. Like it really pains them to preempt this show full of no talent bimbos for someone truly talented. I watch the Kardashian shows mostly to mock them.

I'm not impressed by entertainers of any sort and mostly relegate them to court jesters to entertain me. The first time I heard rehab I was blown away. The song was totally addictive. I thought she was black before I saw her and I loved her voice. So original and her voice is one of those that makes you wish you could sing like she did. She was both retro and cutting edge rolled into one. Such an attractive combo. I guess she was having problems before fame reared it's ugly head. Nobody gives her credit for being a singer-songwriter. She became a joke which is bullshit. People love to pick apart someone who is talented and rip them to shreds. Think about how you would like some asshole w/a camera following you around documenting your downward spiral to death?

I just know that "Fade to Black" was my soundtrack when I lived in Vegas and "You know I'm no good" was on repeat for about 3-1/2 years much to the chagrin of family and friends. My teenage son hid the CD from me and he was in cahoots with my husband on that score. It miraculously reemerged when his xbox live was deactivated. Funny how that works.

Today I'm listening to her music and thinking about her life and all the things she could have accomplished had she beaten her drug addiction. It makes my heart hurt. It's the same sadness I feel when listening to Jimi Hendrix, Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin. Twenty Seven is such a tender age and you still have your whole life ahead of you. At twenty-seven I had my first baby. I was still full of piss and vinegar and thought I would conquer the world. I wonder if she would have lived longer had she not become famous at such a young age. I wonder a million different things that I will never get any answers to and that saddens me.

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Hippie liberal Momma: Ron Paul's Brain Is a Dirty Diaper

Hippie liberal Momma: Ron Paul's Brain Is a Dirty Diaper: "It's not always full of shit, but it stinks and nothing has came out of it that made me want to vote for him. Yesterday I went to go hou..."

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Hippie liberal Momma: TX New Sonogram Bill

Hippie liberal Momma: TX New Sonogram Bill: "Today Rick Perry signed into Law the new sonogram bill. A lot of people have been asking questions about this so I thought I would post a gr..."

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Hippie liberal Momma: Boobies through time!

Hippie liberal Momma: Boobies through time!

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Hippie liberal Momma: Woman removed from history or San Jacinto day.

Hippie liberal Momma: Woman removed from history or San Jacinto day.: "I am pissed. I know shocker huh? Anyways Today is San Jacinto day here in TX. The battle everyone is so proud of where Texas ran screaming..."

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Hippie liberal Momma: Before You Talk About Old White Men

Hippie liberal Momma: Before You Talk About Old White Men: "Before you talk about about old white men remember ALL racism is nasty and hurtful. ALL sexism is nasty and hurtful. ALL ageism is nasty an..."

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Hippie liberal Momma: The great Vagina

Hippie liberal Momma: The great Vagina: "Now for a topic that does not get talked about nearly enough! I never leave home with out it! CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO OPEN IN NEW WIND..."

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Hippie liberal Momma: Go the fuck to sleep

Hippie liberal Momma: Go the fuck to sleep: "Ok for those of you who haven’t heard there is this cute little book. I thought it was a funny parent joke. Again I over estimated people. ..."

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1 year

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In a couple of weeks my daughter will be one year old. This year just flew by and so many amazing milestones have been surpassed. From reading that you would think this is my first baby. It's not, I have a teenage son as well. Both my children are very smart and they are both precious to me. I hope I am successful in letting them know every moment how much they are cherished and adored.

When I look at them I think of carrying them inside my body so worried about them and excited to meet them. I see them being born and looking at them for the very first time. Their first cries, first smiles, first words are all my most priceless treasures. The first year goes by too fast! I tried to savor it with both of them but I think I could have done better.

This year involved joy and pain in abundance. On May 31, 2011, I went to the Dr. to confirm a pregnancy just after I had gotten used to the idea of having another baby and I had a miscarriage. This was the second one since 2008. I love children and never thought I'd have more than one. I don't know how I cope with the loss. I suppose the kids keep me too busy to dwell on it. Maybe I'm able to compartmentalize it. Maybe my heart has been shattered so many times that I've grown accustomed to pain.

I try to stay positive but it's difficult. I celebrate my children's birthdays and mourn the due dates of the babies I lost. I've lost all the worldly possessions one can lose and it didn't kill me. Losing my children would kill me. I'm so thankful that I have two beautiful, intelligent and funny people to raise and enrich my life. I just hope they always love me back.

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Ludic Despair: Go Charlie(s) Go!

Good time Charlie: www.livethesheendream.com

Ludic Despair: Go Charlie(s) Go!: "@font-face { font-family: 'Cambria'; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: ..."

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Ludic Despair: Panic Barbie

Ludic Despair: Panic Barbie: "Fellow Patriarchs, As I'm sure most of you are aware, the Mattel Corporation has recently issued a new Barbie doll--just in time for the C..."

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