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Today I had an awesome day since in a state office which I won't name. You know how it goes. Nobody wants to be there and they all look like a group of carnies. It's a waking nightmare. I amuse myself by giving strangers nick names and my scenario of their lives. Every woman there is pregnant or carrying a newborn but me. I feel like a reproductive failure. A mutant. Last December I had a miscarriage and caught the baby in my hand in the ER restroom. I was literally holding the amniotic sack and it was moving! The heart was still beating. I remember a primal scream but I didn't think it came from me. It was one of those times where you are standing outside yourself watching the events like a movie. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, "What is this?" I was totally devastated. I feel I should be over this by now but I'm not. I don't know if I ever will be over it.

For some reason total strangers always feel the need to tell me their life stories. The girl sitting next to me was of course pregnant. She was 23, her boyfriend is 30. Three kids by two other women and she is enduring a high risk pregnancy, cooking and cleaning and caring for his children. She tells me she had a miscarriage last year when she was 5 months pregnant. It was devastating. She went to the hospital for an ultrasound and after 30 minutes, the doctor tells her, "By the way, the baby isn't living." They do surgery to remove the "deteriorated fetus." She said it took her one year to get pregnant again. She tells me she thinks she only ovulates once a year in February. She says it took her an entire year to get pregnant again. She said she had sex 3 times a day everyday for a year. Definitely didn't need to know that.

Now her Egyptian boyfriend is telling her she's fat and unattractive. He's a keeper. I guess the look on my face signaled my sadness and or disgust for what she endured and she said, "I know, when I talk about my life out loud, I can't believe it turned out this way." The only thing that disgusted me was how her boyfriend talks to her. I said everybody feels that way. I said he's probably just worried you are too attractive for him and will leave him. When I saw you standing in line I thought how pretty you were and you are still skinny eight months pregnant. I wish I looked that good when I was pregnant. She seemed to really need some kind words and I was happy I could provide them.

Then she tells me she can't work due to the high risk pregnancy and was $2,000 from paying her car off. Her boyfriend refused to help her pay her car payment and it was repossessed. That was the detail that confirmed he's a total bastard in my book. She was rereading "To Kill a Mockingbird" so she wasn't a total dumbass. Then she tells me one of her bf's baby mama's is doing internet porn in her house with the kid there! She said we can't do anything because her mom is a cop. She only said she would make her stop doing it in her house. Joy! Good parenting. She's trying to wean this 3 year old from a bottle and potty train her.

I hope things work out for her but I'm not optimistic, I've outgrown optimism. Now I'm a realist. I know I've put up with far too much BS from men in my life. Womanhood is difficult even on the best of terms.




I love this blog. Check it out. Pithy: raise up off these N.U.T.s

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